or..

maybe I just want to show off my hot bod?

Thoughts on the final.

Whenever I walk around town I find it difficult to get out of my own head.

I spend time thinking about my clothes, who is looking at me and scrutinizing my reflection in store windows. Why can't I be here. In the now. It feels impossible.

Scrutinizing my body is something that I have always done. I find it hard to escape. I look at me, look at other girls. I want to expose my body. I want to walk and not be concerned about who is looking and what I am wearing. I want to be a part of what is around me. Escape the constant anxiety.

I want to use this body for something. I want to be seen. I want my imperfections to be on display. I want to feel the cold against my skin. I want to be uncomfortable.

I hate the cold. I find it nearly impossible to get out of bed in the morning. If I could I would hibernate all winter. I hate the snow. I hate the wind. I hate having to wear jeans that never fit right.

It is for these reasons that I will force myself to step outside wearing nothing and just feel the cold. Feel the wind against my skin. Feel free from those awful winter clothes that make it hard to move around. I know it will be hard on my body. I think that's just what I need.

I hope it doesn't hurt too much.

Jim Verburg.

I need to meet this man.
I had no idea that there was a contemporary artist who was as sentimental and sexy as me.

Dream

Last night I had a dream about walking.

I was with Diane, who had built or was showing the deepest pools in the world. They were built so that there was three of them at different levels. Looking down from the highest diving board you could see all three. They escalated in a similar way a staircase does. each one had a high dive. From the highest board you could see down into all the pools. I suppose they were built for diving. Although it would be impossible to dive from that high.

They were dimly lit too. Diane was giving a sort of tour of them. I had to climb up the stairs (they had no guard rail) to the boards and look down. I got out onto the very edge of the highest dive. It was slippery. I kept feeling like I was going to fall. The next part I remember was being in one of the pools, I was terrified and clamoring against the wall trying to lift myself out.

I have a fear of deep water. Especially when its dark and the bottom is invisible. I also hate heights. This dream put me atop a high dive that was slippery above a deep pool that was not lit, empty and I could not see the bottom.

*The picture at the top of the page is of the deepest pool in the world. The pools in my dream were even deeper than this.*

Change the Walk

Pacific Mall Walk.