These are amazing.

Its been a while.

sweating
over the stove

I'm really fucking good at this
I can be more than just an ex girlfriend.

You ran your fingers down my arm today
felt like two winters ago
when we sat by the window

I want my shirt back
I want my year back
I want my old confidence
and clear skin
and skinny arms
and big hair.

I miss the lazy days.
walking
writing
wringing my hands

waiting for the phone to ring

<>

are you happy?

cause I'm not.

My hair is at the awkward almost mushroom cut stage.

I have bags under my eyes

I scraped all the skin off my middle finger.

More snow.

I changed this winter.
I got mean.

I made fun
I made out
with her
right in front of you.

I stopped tipping
stopped holding the door
cut in line
I left when I knew you needed me.

I didn't look
didn't like
didn't try and
didn't care.

Let them come to me.

but that didn't work
and all that's left
is a cheap mattress
a squeaky bed frame
and a cat that loves to spoon.

I'll grow my hair long
paint my nails bright red

I'll dig in deep
carry you home
overlook your bad days
walk up hill in the mornings.

I'll lay it on thick
Ooze false confidence
compliment your outfit
fill the space in your bed.

.

Remember when I was the biggest loser
then the most popular girl in school.
Because I always had a fling
and all the gossip
and I tipped cereal onto the carpet.
Then I had the best job
but I lost it.
and then I was here
and didn't know who I wanted anymore.

The flings stopped
and turned into the longest love affairs.

Unsuccessful love affairs.

Then it was February
and I was fifteen all over again.