Keeping a steady Christmas buzz on

"You have broken my heart."

My entire life summed up in an article.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-will-always-care-too-much/

A year ago
I sat in the floor
with a glass of boxed white
snipped them off
One by one

Letting go of the girl
who bent over in that bathroom stall
too scared to say no

who let him move across the country
who always pretended she liked it.

Winter came.
So did I.
Over an over.
Your cold hands peeling off my shirt
Kissing my neck

"You are so beautiful".

Did we make amends?
Or did I finally forget?

Did we fall out of love?

I think you just fell in
with her.

No more cold air in my face
No more stumbles and forced piggy backs.
No more drunken phone calls at nine am
No more begging me to come over when I planned on spending the night with her.

You moved house
So did I

You're finally within walking distance.

Thanksgiving weekend
two years since I should have turned back
let you go
before it got too cold
to leave your attic bedroom.

I'm putting back on

every pound I lost.


I stopped taking the pills

to know how it feels.


You made promises
you made me think
made me laugh
made me stop looking

made me spend my whole night waiting to know what happened.

I looked past the tv screen
out the front window
waiting for you to come home

from your second date.

These are amazing.

Its been a while.

sweating
over the stove

I'm really fucking good at this
I can be more than just an ex girlfriend.

You ran your fingers down my arm today
felt like two winters ago
when we sat by the window

I want my shirt back
I want my year back
I want my old confidence
and clear skin
and skinny arms
and big hair.

I miss the lazy days.
walking
writing
wringing my hands

waiting for the phone to ring

<>

are you happy?

cause I'm not.

My hair is at the awkward almost mushroom cut stage.

I have bags under my eyes

I scraped all the skin off my middle finger.

More snow.

I changed this winter.
I got mean.

I made fun
I made out
with her
right in front of you.

I stopped tipping
stopped holding the door
cut in line
I left when I knew you needed me.

I didn't look
didn't like
didn't try and
didn't care.

Let them come to me.

but that didn't work
and all that's left
is a cheap mattress
a squeaky bed frame
and a cat that loves to spoon.

I'll grow my hair long
paint my nails bright red

I'll dig in deep
carry you home
overlook your bad days
walk up hill in the mornings.

I'll lay it on thick
Ooze false confidence
compliment your outfit
fill the space in your bed.

.

Remember when I was the biggest loser
then the most popular girl in school.
Because I always had a fling
and all the gossip
and I tipped cereal onto the carpet.
Then I had the best job
but I lost it.
and then I was here
and didn't know who I wanted anymore.

The flings stopped
and turned into the longest love affairs.

Unsuccessful love affairs.

Then it was February
and I was fifteen all over again.

Bluster

It finally snowed.
I hate in between
just be one or the other.
But that only applies to the weather.

Keeping the door closed and the heat in.

Pictures of the past, outweigh the desire to make a future.

Hiding out.
Heating up.
Hitting the bottle.

Its cold outside.
The patio is closed

and
you don't look at me like you used to.

I broke the glass.

I am a drunk.
I will never look you in the eyes
until they blurr together.
I can't kiss
until I fall over

and you catch me with your lips.

but
I cannot shake the feeling
that I am
and always will be
second best.

Remebering

I want to hate you.
I don't want to remember your blue green auburn hangover eyes
or how my head fits perfectly into the dip in your chest.

the money you borrowed
the drugs you bought
the classes I skipped
the nights I carried you home.

The weight of you kept my feet on the ground.

This.