Dream 2

Last night I dreamed that you were making mittens out of the ashes of dead animals.

At first the killing was for art, then you started displaying the tiny corpses. I thought this was a bit strange.

You built the most beautiful ash sculpture in the world. You kept it hidden, so that it wouldn't blow over. I looked again and you had broken it apart. By breaking it you wee ensuring that you wouldn't have to carry it around anymore.

I'm smarter now than I was in this picture.

Had I been this woman then, I would have done it differently. I would have spent long nights talking instead of short ones stumbling. I'd have payed more attention to curves and less to the prickly stubble. I would have made the most of my meal card and put milk in my coffee. I would have taken small hands instead of double shots and I would have kept every secret you told me.

Moving out.

We cleaned out the studio tonight. That place never really fit for me. I would go there and pretend that I had other things to do, that I wasn't spending my time wishing you would come home.

It was too cold for me in the winter. I always got scared when I was there alone. I would go there and pretend I was doing work but really I was just waiting for you to call.

Nostalgia.

So I found some old pictures from our extended two field trip that we took with Diane. I thought I'd post them on here for fun. I don't know how many of you were in that class. We walked around Toronto going to various galleries. Art Metropole &The Powerplant are the only two I remember. I also remember this wonderful cafe we went to. Diane got a green cake. The light coming into that cafe was amazing. It was such a beautiful day.

For this trip our assignment was to create a blog and respond to the two of the artworks from that day. I actually kept up that blog until the end of last year, until I started this one. I think this is going to be my new blog. The old one died along with aspects of my personality. I feel like the Alisha writing then and the Alisha writing now are two different people. I feel like I have grown up a lot since then and that I need a new blog to go along with my new self.

*If any of you are interested, here is the link to that old blog, http://odelay-om.blogspot.com/.

I don't post enough images.

Gate

You walk with your shoulders hunched, feet dragging, every step looks laborious. Your torn backpack draped over one shoulder, jacket wide open. Your combat boots are oversized for your tiny frame. You look towards the ground. Always a little bit off kilter. When you're drunk you don't want to walk. You always want a piggy back. You're small frame feels heavy after a few steps. But I endure. You walk too slow for me.

You always look like you're on a mission. Its funny. You approach so fast always a little out of breath, headphones on, your bag full and securely over you're shoulder. You look strong and driven. You walk faster than me. Its nice to finally fall behind. Our hands fall effortlessly into each others. We take big steps. Try not to be seen.

Tiny point toes boots that clip clop with every step. You look straight ahead, stare me down. I get nervous and look at the ground. Your hips swing and your skirt blows back. You bag is held tightly to your side. To keep the bottles from clinking. You grab my hand and curl up under my shoulder. I like being the taller one. There is an air of magic about you. A confidence that is more intimidating that you know. You always have a cigarette.

Your gate.

I can always recognize your walk. I can see you from a mile away.

The things I forgot to say.

Naturally, in most crits we don't get to say exactly what our work is about. Being put on the spot makes it hard to express ideas in a linear matter. I felt that I didn't get to say everything I wanted so I'm going to type it out now. Hopefully you'll read it and get a better understanding of what this project was about.

My coming out party, obviously there are various ways to take this. For me it was primarily about letting go of a way of thinking. My body has been the biggest source of anxiety in my life for as long as I can remember. I still cringe when I see myself in the mirror. I go to painful efforts to disguise my odd shape. There are days when I still can't think straight because of it. In my first few years of being at university I became completely consumed by this. It took a huge toll on all aspects of my life. It has taken years for me to get to the point where I feel comfortable enough to live a relatively normal life. I can safely say now, that I don't let these ideas consume me anymore. Having strangers see me naked is a huge step forward. Exposing my body for what it is. There were years where I was so tiny I couldn't go outside, my body just couldn't handle the winter. I expended so much energy trying to stay warm and trying to stay thin. There isn't a lot I can remember from these years other than this obsession. I feel like all my experiences from this time were clouded with the feeling of hunger and the cold. This is why it was so important for me to also be outside. I wanted to feel the cold air on my skin. It is something that I couldn't do for years. I would cry on walks home because I just couldn't handle it. Being able to do the walk was something very special for me. Something that I had to work to be able to do.

Walk the Dog.

On Wednesday night I had the pleasure of babysitting my friend's new puppy. She was unimaginably cute. We played in the apartment, watched some MTV, drank some wine and went for walks.

I have never walked a dog in a city. Having an animal attached to your person makes you aware of things that you probably would not notice on your own. For instance I suddenly became hyper aware to the presence of other dogs and their owners. Nice people with nice dogs who wanted to make friends or dogs that would bark and bark until I scooped her up and turned the corner.

I think the most important lesson in this expereince was that, people dig puppies, and chicks with puppies.